Hey there friends! This blogpost was an unexpected addition to what I have been planning for the fall but because I am a verbal processor and hash things out by writing and talking to get clarity I want to discuss SEVEN ways to have a well tended heart in a season of change and loss. By no means is this an exhaustive list, but this is what I have learned so far as I have experienced grief of loved ones and this new transition that prompted my writing.
Today, I am inviting you into my personal little space and sharing with you what has recently happened in the our home.
And there she goes…Elsah heads off to college
Recently, I shared in a previous podcast that my husband and I were preparing to be empty nesters. Well, this happened! My youngest daughter, Elsah, headed off to college with a van packed to the brim of all her things making a trek all the way to Quebec, Canada. Up to this point my heart and my mind have been focused well. I have felt peace and still do. However, I didn't think how hard it would be to see the room being cleared out and reality actually setting in. So, tears flowed. I have not cried like this since my mom passed away in 2024. There are many reasons for my tears but this sadness came on because of what I felt when I saw the room being cleared out.
Empty Nester versus Bird Launcher?
Recently, I was walking with a friend and we were talking about Elsah’s trip and she reminded me that we aren’t empty nesters but bird launchers. The way she expressed this new season of my life resonated more with what was actually happening and made sense because this has been our goal since she was born. To launch them out into the world, ready to live on their own and to be able to do what the Lord has intended them to do using their gifts He has given them.
We have already launched two kiddos, Rebekah and Isaac and the way they left our home was different. Rebekah lived at home for the first year of her freshman year at college or so and then moved out later. She also went to NC State which was very close to our home. On the other hand, Isaac went to college in Montreal Canada for his freshman year and is still there today and the same will be true of Elsah. Perhaps it is harder to let your kids go off to school in a different country than it is if they are close by but I have to say that every mother is different and may just as well struggle the same as me even if they are close by. Here are 7 ways to have a well tended heart in seasons of change and loss.
1. Refocus Your Mind On What Is True
What do you do when sadness, which can be overwhelming sometimes, comes upon your heart, soul and mind when that big day hits and the glaring reality is right in front of you and all you see was once an occupied room full of laughter and music, but is now empty, quiet, and lifeless.
I'm no expert in this area but I have experienced grief and have had two children leave the home. I'm still trying to figure it all out and I think this will be a daily type of figuring out. If you have any suggestions I would love to hear how you handle it too. But, Elsah leaving home is different. Elsah is the last child in our home that will leave and now the true reality is that it's just my husband and I. The quiet and stillness will be more profound than ever.
I don't know about you but I do not want to sit in my sadness when these situations are truly not in our hands. I would prefer to find ways to help transition my thoughts to what can be helpful when a huge change happens, no matter what that may look like.
Refocus your thoughts on what you know to be true. I tend to lean on God’s Sovereignty over the care of my family. This gives me peace of mind.
Isaiah 40:11 : He tends His flock like a shepherd. He gathers the lambs in His arms. He carries them close to His heart. [1, 2]
I have memorized Psalm 121 and I often repeat it in these kinds of situations.
Psalm 121:7–8: The LORD will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life.
The LORD will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore.
Psalm 139 is another one that is also good to memorize because it will remind you of the many attributes about God, which is true. Listen to what the Lord does and continues to do. Perhaps you want to pray through this for your family members and friends.
He searches them and knows them intimately
He knows when they sit and rise, He understands their thoughts
He searches out their path and their lying down and are very familiar with their ways
He knows what they will say and Hems them in behind and before them
They are always under the watchful care of God and HIs presence. No matter the depths.
He will guide them and will hold them fast
If they dwell in darkness, they are still known by Him and He sees all because darkness is not Dark to Him.
God formed every single person in the womb of their mother by knitting each piece of their body. He knows their frame and the result is good. He knows the number of their days.
His thoughts about them are more vast than the number of the grains of sand. More than the number we would ever think of our own children.
He is always with them.
He is waiting for them to come to Him as He seeks them, if they are not believers, patiently waiting, because He is a good Father and wants all to come to have a relationship with Him.
2. Don’t Live In Regret, Ask For Forgiveness When Prompted.
Ephesians 4:32 “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” And Matthew 6:14-15 says: “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”
I look back on the many years with my own mother and children and wish I would have done things differently. Things that I wish I could go back and redo. Not say the things that were said and to be able to be with them in real time to say how much they mean to me, to show true compassion and the love of Christ. Is it good to dwell on these things of what I could have done?
Philippians 4:8 tells us to think about whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
I would prefer not to focus on the things that I can’t change, but, instead, focus on the things that I can change. I can CHOOSE to forgive or ask for forgiveness in real time. So, if you are prompted to ask for forgiveness or maybe you need to forgive, don’t wait, do it when prompted. Be humble and take that step because once you do a weight will be lifted off your shoulder. If the person you love is no longer here on earth and you are being prompted to forgive or ask for forgiveness, go to God and ask Him to forgive you or forgive them.
This flows right into my next suggestion and remember these are suggestions and ways that I am hoping to focus on in my own life.
3. Take Your Concerns To God
1 Peter 5:7 says to “Give all your worries and care to God because He cares for you. “
Philippians 4:6-7 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
I have to do this all the time, day in and day out. I can be prone to fear and worry even though I KNOW God is in control in my mind. These respectable sins of fear and worry not only wreak havoc in my life and yours but will drown out what is true which we have already discussed about how to refocus your mind. I remind myself often, because we were created to forget, that God is Sovereign and in control of all things. So, why live in fear or worry about our children or circumstances. It is so easy to get caught up in all of the hype especially when we are bombarded with all kinds of social media content such as : Who will they be friends with, what will they enjoy doing, what will they do on the weekends, how will they care for themselves when they are sick, will they make good choices when put into a difficult situation. I could go on and on about these things that we can tend to worry or become fearful about but there are too many to count. Before writing this, I would have thought that I was not in that bucket of being fearful or a worry wart. However, this fear and worry can be in so many things in life and I have to admit and confess that yes, I do worry often and have to give those concerns to God.
What is the best way to do this? Finding others who you can pray with. I truly believe that praying with other women is so valuable no matter what. Check out the links for a prayer group for Shepherds Church if you live in my area or another option is Moms in Prayer International which impacts children and schools worldwide for Christ by gathering mothers to pray.
The opportunity for us to be on our knees more often occurs when our children leave the home or become independent. We have more time to devote to this. And to be honest, this is a time when we need to be on our knees even more. I'm thankful that I had a mother who prayed for me. I remember her kneeling at her bed with her bible open. What do you want your children to remember you by? You can start laying this imprint in their minds by being an example.
This flows right into our next suggestion and that is to not compare your situation with others.
4. Do NOT Compare Your Situation To Others and Unplug
Proverbs 14:30: "A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones".
James 3:16: "For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice".
Remember, I just talked about worry and fear being driven by being inundated by social media content. You may not have an issue with this but I know I'm not alone in this area. It's easy to go through this dark hole and compare your life to others. Especially, when it comes to your children and what other people do and appear to be like on social media -most of the time presenting themselves as a perfect and happy family. The way people deal with losing a loved one or even their children moving off or getting married is all under the direct radar of social media. Let me encourage you as I have and continue to challenge myself to limit your time on this. Let me preface this first with the fact that I still struggle with usage of social media, I mean who doesn't, I mean I'm sure there are some who are able to manage it well but I have found this to be a constant battle in my life, the usage of social media. My husband got us this cool device called a BRICK. Per AI- "In a nutshell, the big idea is: Your phone still works for what you actually need, but it stops being a tiny entertainment machine living in your pocket. 😆"
Let me encourage you to find a way to unplug. Since Bricking my phone, I have found myself reaching for my phone less and less and letting myself actually do the things that I really want to put my effort into. This will also help you as you connect with your kiddos or family members.
Social media is a way that people connect but there are others ways to create connections and this brings me to the next way that you can nurture your well tended heart by making TIME to connect.
5. Make Time To Connect
Ok this is ironic because I just suggest you stay off of social media but since you are probably still listening or reading this Blog I'll keep going with this idea ... .Have you ever seen those reels where a mom jumps to her feet as soon as her son or daughter calls. Well I have found that to be so true, I get so excited that I drop pretty much everything when Isaac or Rebekah call and soon that will be Elsah too.
So how to connect in this day and age of technology:
- Face Time,
- place an actual phone call,
- text,
- send an audio message.
- I do this a lot with my kiddos because I really don’t need to talk with them but wanted to share a thought I had or maybe encourage them.
- handwrite them letters.
- This is not something I do often because it does take time and brain power but I try to do that at least once a year for their birthday.
- Find ways to spoil them still by sending them something from Uber Eats or delivering something special to their door.
- When Isaac was having finals I would send him some food via uber eats and when Rebekah was struggling with an illness with little ones I would send her food from the store so she didn't have to worry about cooking. These are things that I would normally do if I lived nearby. I will do the same with Elsah and I can’t wait to start! Creating connections will look different for everyone. You may live close enough to grab a coffee or a breakfast once in a while but definitely Keep the connection going because it will warm your heart and do it good.
6. Reminisce The Past But Don’t Get Stuck
Often, the Lord brings to my mind precious vivid moments of my children and this is always something that I cherish. I say don't get stuck because sometimes we wish our children were this way or that way or maybe perhaps you are having a hard time moving past this change. Memories are important and I would encourage you to write them down as I have. These memories of my children hopefully will not fade but I know from seeing my parents age that the older we get the memories seem to fade over time. So, I want to share now what I am thankful for in regards to all of my children. You can either fast forward if you want to the next segment about serving others or stay and listen to my fondness of being a mother and what I have enjoyed seeing.
Rebekah
Let's talk first about my sweet Rebekah. It has been a while since we sent her on her way. When she was younger she loved coordinating and having others follow suit, just like a teacher or a wedding coordinator would do, and yep later on in life she did a splendid job coordinating her own wedding. While coordinating who sat where and who did what, she would entertain us in the living room by dancing in her Cinderella dress, all the while singing to hearts content. As she got older, when I would call her name and she did not answer, I knew I could find her hunkered down reading a book.
When she was about 12 years old we moved to Switzerland, and this, in my opinion, was one of the most challenging things a teenager could experience. Being totally immersed into a different culture and trying to fit into a German speaking school without having a lick of German and having to learn how to ride a bus on her own was incredibly hard and emotionally difficult. I would still do it again, but I think I would have a better grasp of how to love and care for her as she went through this change. I do think that this transition helped shape her to be who she is today. She learned crafty skills that were taught in Swiss schools. Thank goodness, because I am not that crafty! Her gift of singing was wonderful to listen to, although our Swiss neighbors may have thought differently when they kept hearing songs from the Phantom of the Opera and the sound of music echoing into their living room. I'm sure after we left, the apartment building was quiet. Gosh, her voice is beautiful and I do miss hearing it.
I also cherished the times when we would play rummy with the perfect cup of tea and not really care about who would win. And let me not forget about the days when she would sleep in like a log and had to be woken up or else she would be late for school. Seriously, I'm not sure how anyone could sleep through an alarm multiple times!
Now that she is older and married I can brag on her a bit. She is an amazing momma of two and is married to a God loving husband. Now her little ones can listen to her sing sweet lullabies to them. I am very thankful I get to see her and the family throughout the year. It reminds me of Ephesians 5 "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." Being a mother to her may be different now but gosh it's a joy! I wouldn't change it for the world!
Isaac
Let me now share with you some sweet memories that I cherish about Isaac, who loves an adrenaline rush and also a hugger. I don’t miss the dangerous antics, but boy, I do miss those hugs. I remember when I went with him to his freshmen high school orientation and there was a mother there who saw Isaac hug me and responded to both of us that I better get used to him not hugging me anymore since he is now in high school. Can you believe a mother would say this? I was in shock. Well, I'm so thankful that Isaac never stopped hugging me and he is STILL my hugger. Please do not ever tell a mother that their child will not hug them anymore. What a gut punch that was and I am sooo thankful to God that He has given Isaac a hugging and caring heart towards me.
Isaac has a caring and kind disposition toward others, always wanting others to achieve their dreams and going out of his way to make that happen.
He has a knack for cooking and has made recipes from scratch. When he had a bit more time in school, he was making the perfect sourdough bread. Cooking is definitely one of his hobbies that will never get old!
He is very creative with his music and wants to impact others with it. Some other things I will always cherish are the classical pieces of Beethoven that he would play among many others and his love for a fast tempo. Oh, and I can’t forget the late night footsteps traveling up his stairs, the dinners where we would just laugh and laugh mimicking each other (mainly Rebekah) the long showers, the burps under the arms, the late night studio sessions, and all of his friends coming over to hangout in his room. Isaac is a name that means laughter. Truly fits him.
Elsah
Now Beloved Elsah, I will miss her laughter and smile. There are moments that stand out so fresh in my mind such as the time when the kids were younger and while we were eating dinner Isaac and Elsah were beatboxing a rhythm and song about chicken nuggets. She has such enthusiasm, excitement and rhythm. I actually have it on a video and I enjoy watching it.
She is such a creative person and made donut soap before it became a thing. She had such aspirations at a young age. She learned all of the bones and muscles on animals because she wanted to be a vet in 5th or 6th grade. Curiosity always made her interested in learning, and she had the ability to understand on a deeper level than most of her friends her age. I would say that she had the ability to understand concepts and challenge them in her mind.
She also had a special bond with our sweet dog Indie, a labradoodle. I remember this picture of Indie sitting on her lap as we were traveling up to the mountains in Tennessee. They were both looking out the window and the wind was blowing in their hair.
She is a listener with the intent on understanding and is very cautious on what she says and does. When she is committed, she is committed. Some things I will miss will be our starbucks detour on the way home from church. We would do this almost every Sunday when she was in the 10-11th grade. That was such a sweet time. I will miss the times when she would sit in my office and just hang out while I worked. I will miss her playing piano and guitar and her voice when she sings. She also has a beautiful voice. Gosh the Lord has gifted all of my children with music abilities. Now that is a blessing.
I will miss her spontaneous cookies, but my hips will not…hahah!
I have so many other things to be thankful for and reminisce about but Ill keep going with the final way to Tend to your heart.
7. Serve Others
1 Peter 4:10 As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace:
So, now that I have shared some of my cherished memories, think about how quiet it is in my home now. Is your home quiet too? Right now, it's just my husband and I, and yes, we will figure out what living together without our children looks like but that's a whole other podcast. Whether you're married or not, this next suggestion will still pertain to you as well because serving others is something anyone can do. There is something to be said for taking your sadness and loneliness into the realm of serving. It can change your perspective on life and give you meaning and hope.
For the past couple of years I have been planning what my life will be like once my children leave the home. This is one of the reasons I started a blog and a podcast. I am also actively involved at my church by leading the Shepherds Scripture sisters and a bible study.
Being intentional with my time and finding ways to pour into another person's life give me a purpose. It is very rewarding and I find joy in seeing the changes in people's hearts and minds as they grow as a believer. I love encouraging others and I don't think there is a better way to combat self pity, sadness or loneliness than to come alongside others and serve. So, find something you enjoy and serve. Make meals for others, offer to care for little ones, help a person with their lawn. Serve in the local church where there is a need. Don’t focus on yourself but focus on others. Serve. Help other mothers and women who need to be discipled.
Well friends, those are just some things that the Lord has impressed on my heart during this difficult transition of my own life. We can trust that the Lord will take care of our kiddos no matter where they live. We can know that the Lord will guide them and guard them. We can know that the Lord is able to orchestrate friendships and situations in their lifes in order to draw them closer to Him. Lets hold fast to HIm who upholds us in times of difficulty. He is my Rock and my strength. Is he yours? How do you plan on tending to your heart when you find yourself alone or in a home that is quieter than before?
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